Rich Simons | Upper East 11th Street
Q: Christmas is coming right up. Do you have any hot shopping tips for us?
Do I ever! Here are just a few:
Hot Tip No. 1: Don’t do it. I mean: JUST DON’T DO IT! At least not in the traditional Ameican way – jump in the car, drive for 40 minutes, park, walk about 30 minutes to one of those glorified mosh pits called “shopping malls.” then spend hours trading elbow jabs with your fellow citizens as you vie for the juiciest merchandise. Instead – do the following:
Hot Tip No. 2: Not too long ago there was an invention called the “home computer.” Through the miracle of electricity these gadgets somehow connect with all the stores you ever heard of, so you can browse through all of their merchandise from your bedroom, compare prices, etc. Then you can make your purchase by clicking this cute little thing called a “mouse.” And they deliver!
Heck – maybe they wrap – I dunno. Anyway, you never have to get out of your pajamas. If this technology is foreign to you, any kid over eight years of age will be happy to assist you. If you yearn for the Christmas music at the mall, ask the kid to punch up “Jingle Bells” on Pandora. The kid will understand. You don’t need to. Enjoy.
Hot Tip No. 3: (This is for the guys.) Do NOT imagine that you know what color pendant will go with your wife’s eyes. You DON’T. Do NOT presume that you know the right sweater size for your niece. You DON’T. Women can do this (e.g. – “This blouse will be perfect for Aunt Janet”).
What you want to do is tell all your “loved ones” that they are free to shop for whatever they want. Tell them to send you the bill and the merchandise and that you will lovingly wrap the goodies and place them under the tree.
Hot Tip No. 4: (Also for the guys.) DO go shopping for yourself. Contrary to what they want you to believe, women can’t read minds. WHO could know that for years you have coveted a walk-in humidor or a Bose Soundlink Mini Bluetooth Speaker? So buy whatever you want, pass it all out to your “loved ones” to be wrapped and promise that you will pretend to be surprised.
Hot Tip No. 5: (This is for the ladies.) Ignore Tip No. 4. DO go shoppng for your man. For clothes, that is. You can’t go wrong. Real men don’t shop for clothes – they have clothes (and they’ve had them - for years!) And guys don’t really care what they wear, just so it’s COMFORTABLE. So buy whatever you would like to see on your men. Just go up one size.
Hot Tip No. 6: Relax. Enjoy the “Holiday Season.” A week later, no one will remember who gave what to whom.