May 2011 home page


Rich Simons courtesy of Rich Simons
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Rich Simons | 11th Street

Every month, Rich Simons answers
readers’ most perplexing questions.


Q: Is Del Mar going to the dogs? They have their own beach, and their own drinking fountains at the beach and at Seagrove Park, and it is rumored a couple of them have been seen helping out during Mass at St. Peter’s. – s.p.

Del Mar is definitely long dog-gone. You must have noticed the pooches also have their own bakery with buffet (“Three Dog Bakery“), their own health store cum boutique (“Dexter’s Deli“) and their own hair salon (“The Currycomb“).
My best guess is that this preoccupation has to do with improving Del Mar’s GDP (“Gross Doggie Product”), which is known to contain methane and other volatile gasses, which when properly processed can be made to turn turbines to generate electrical power. This explains why our own CCCC (Conservation Conscious Citizens Corps) can be seen at all times with gloves and baggies doggedly (get it? oh, that’s hilarious!) pursuing their pooches to harvest this valuable product.

In the long run, this strategy will help free us from dependence on foreign energy sources, so long as we eventually phase out French poodles and English bulldogs.
(O.K. – that’s enough of that low-brow “product” humor.)

Q: There was a longish hearing at the last City Council meeting about that building next to Starbuck’s. What’s going on? – a.d

This is best explained in the form of a fable:
Once upon a time the City of Del Mar had a Sacred Cow. Originally it was just a cash cow (called “tax on retail sales”) but the City sanctified it by proclaiming that in perpetuity, so long as the moon shall rise and the sun shall set and the rivers flow down to the sea, all ground floor commercial space on Camino Del Mar must be dedicated to retail usage. They called this the “horizontal zoning ordinance.” (Don’t ask.}

But then not long ago a smooth-talking feller from out of town somehow hornswoggled the City into giving him the Cow in exchange for a handful of magic beans. One of the beans, for instance, would ensure that in perpetuity, so long as the moon shall . . . (okay, you don’t need all that again) . . .down to the sea, the gentle breezes off the ocean, along with countless pedestrians, would flow unimpeded between Starbuck’s and the building in question.

What the hearing was about is the feller from out of town now wants some of his beans back. He says they really weren’t all that magical after all. Some of them won’t do what they were supposed to. Ooops, he says. Ha-ha. My bad luck!
The Council took no action. This fable will continue in our next edition.



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